Outtake: Army Green

College. College applications. College tours. Dorm rooms. Course load. GPA. Sororities. Fraternities. Acceptance letters. Professors. TAs. Lectures. Career. Future.

The whole thing was giving me daily migraines. Everyone seemed to know exactly what they wanted and had their lives all mapped out – from where they wanted to go to college and what they wanted to study, to what they wanted it to say on their fucking tombstone when they died in their peaceful sleep at age ninety-four surrounded by their seventeen great-grandchildren.



Me – I didn’t have a fucking clue. Jasper had been trying to convince me that I should go to law school after college with him, but that shit was just not going to fly. First of all, he was only choosing pre-law because he wanted to impress my dad, who had it in his head that medicine and law were the only really respectable careers for a man. Jasper was squeamish as fuck, so law was his ticket to getting my dad’s blessing to marry my sister. Second, I didn’t want to study anything that would lock me up in an office or a courtroom until I retired. No way. My twin sister, Alice, wanted to be on TV. As a kid, she had wanted to become an actress, but over the years, my dad had influenced her in the direction of news anchor or reporter. She didn’t seem to mind – she was vain and just wanted her face on TV.

I had no ambitions of being on TV, and no matter how many unsubtle hints my dad dropped, I was also not about to follow in his footsteps and study medicine. I wasn’t squeamish like Jasper, but having had to endure my dad and his colleagues growing up, I had yet to meet a doctor who didn’t act like he thought he was better than everyone else. I was not about to become a carbon copy of my dad.

No matter which career paths I considered, they only made me cringe and want to run away screaming. There was nothing I wanted, and that fact made my parents extremely disappointed. They had raised Alice and me to be ambitious, and by then, they were sure they had failed with me. I didn’t think they had – I had plenty of ambitions. They just weren’t the ambitions my parents wanted me to have. I had ambitions of being a good person and treating people right, of being happy, and of being true to myself. None of those ambitions would be fulfilled by becoming a doctor instead of a garbage collector, or a lawyer instead of a cab driver.

The idea of going to college just for the sake of it sounded really boring. I knew it was the smart thing to do, but I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do. At least not for me. I did my own research while the medical school and pre-med brochures my dad brought me piled up under my desk. After hours of Googling and going through articles, books, college websites, and whatever else I could find that might lead me in the direction of a future career, I zeroed in on a few things that sounded like they might be for me.

“You want what?” Jasper asked, nearly spitting out his beer when I told him my tentative plans for the future. “Dude, your dad is gonna kill you if you don’t go to college.”

“Maybe he’ll realize that he can’t mold me into being his clone or whatever,” I said with a shrug. “I’d be doing a lot of good and helping people, you know. I think that’s what I want.”

“But dude, you could get killed. Cops get shot all the time, and a fireman – really?” Jasper shook his head before taking a sip of beer. “Why would you want to willingly go into a burning building, man?”

“Someone has to,” I replied and closed my eyes. We were lounging in the sun in Jasper’s yard. His parents were away for the weekend, and we took the fact that the sun graced us with its presence as a sign to drink beers outside instead of inside.

“But does it have to be you?” Jasper asked.

“No,” I admitted. “It doesn’t have to be me. But it could be me, and I think I’d like it to be.”

Jasper didn’t reply, but he didn’t have to. I knew him well enough to interpret his silence. He thought I was crazy.

I didn’t think considering becoming a police officer or a firefighter was crazy – nor did I think it was anything to be disappointed about like I knew my parents would be. I just had to figure out exactly which way to go.

I wrestled with the decision for weeks. I had decided not to tell my parents what I was going to do until I knew for sure. There was no need to defend two things when I would only end up doing one. It was Career Day that ended up being my savior. The booths were filled with overly peppy people trying to make their companies sound like the best thing since sliced bread. It was all a load of crap. Jasper and I were only going because it presented a chance to get the registration for the Selective Service System out of the way. It wasn’t really something I had given any thought except for wanting to get it over with.

Then I asked an Army recruiter an innocent question about the process, and that made him launch into a longwinded speech about all the Army had to offer. What took me most by surprise was that I didn’t just shut him out. I actually listened, and the more he told me, the more I could see myself in what he described. There were so many options within the Army, and they all held the promise of making a difference – of doing something good. Something finally felt right to me. It was almost exhilarating.

“Edward, come on,” Alice whined, interrupting what I felt might very well be the most important conversation of my life. I hadn’t even noticed her joining us.

“Go away, Alice,” I said, turning my back to her. There was nothing worse than annoying, whiny sisters.

The recruiter probably sensed that he was getting through to me. He kept handing me brochures and pamphlets while talking about honor and loyalty. I liked how he described the unique bond between soldiers, created as early as in basic training. Another thing that appealed to me was that being in the Army wasn’t just combat. You could be anything. A mechanic, a computer specialist, a journalist, a medic, a parachute rigger, a translator – the list seemed endless.

Half an hour later, I drove home alone. Jasper had given into Alice’s whining about leaving while I was talking to the recruiter. Thoughts were swirling around in my head, and even though I knew I had a lot to consider, by the time I turned into our driveway, I knew my mind was basically made up already. In all my soul and internet searching, I hadn’t even come close to finding anything that felt as right as this.

I had never given any thought to serving my country before. No one I knew was in the military, and there was no long, proud line of Cullens before me who had worn a uniform. I took out one of the pamphlets the recruiter had given me and looked at the list of values on the front page. Loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity, and personal courage. I wanted that. I wanted to live up to those values. Surely if I did that, I wouldn’t be a bad person.

I grabbed all the stuff the recruiter had given me and went inside. I felt like I was smuggling contraband, but I didn’t want anyone to see the brochures. At least not yet. I might need them when I had to convince my parents that I wasn’t about to throw away my entire future. I doubted they’d see any pride in their only son serving his country, but I figured they’d come around eventually no matter how pissed they got.

I threw myself on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. There really was no doubt in my mind. Just the thought of joining made me smile – this after months and months of cringing about colleges and jobs.

The sound of my phone ringing distracted me. I fished it out from my pocket and looked at the caller ID. Heidi. I sighed. Someone else who would not be thrilled about what I was deciding to do after graduation. We had been dating for four months, which had broken my previous dating record by three months and two weeks. Things had been going great until I had tentatively aired my plans for the future – or maybe it was the lack of plans that had made her act weird.

I answered the phone a little reluctantly, but I didn’t want to be an asshole and ignore her. She didn’t deserve that.

I didn’t even have time to say hello before she tore into me. “What the hell, Edward? Irina just called me and told me that you’d spent most of the afternoon at the Army booth. Seriously, aren’t you taking this rebellion thing you’ve got going on a bit far?”

“Excuse me?” I said, sitting up in bed. When I had told her about maybe becoming a firefighter or a police officer, she had been mildly supportive and only once tried to convince me to go to college first. This was…unexpected.

“Everyone is going to college,” she said with a sigh. “And not everyone wants to. It’s just something you do, Edward.”

“Maybe I don’t want to do something just because everyone else does it,” I said, annoyed. “I don’t tell you what to do, so why can’t you do me the same favor?”

“Whatever,” she said. “You’re so immature.”

“At least I’ve got the guts to do what I want instead of what other people want me to do,” I argued. “Why are you going to college again, Heidi?”

“Ugh, you’re impossible to talk to. Just go get killed in a war or something. See if I care,” she said and hung up.

I threw my phone on the bed. Who the hell needed unsupportive girlfriends anyway? She was just like everyone else – mindless animals following the flock. Maybe when I was off making a real difference in the world while she was vomiting at a frat party, she’d see things differently.

I allowed myself a few minutes lamenting the fact that Heidi hadn’t been who I thought she was. But maybe breaking things off now was better than trying the long distance thing we had been talking about. It obviously wouldn’t have worked.

Then my thoughts drifted to everything the recruiter had told me, and I started considering what path I might want to take. The idea of going into combat appealed to me because I felt I could make a much bigger difference there than behind a desk or in a motor pool somewhere. No matter how much my parents protested, I’d make them proud by doing something noble. They’d eventually realize that I was doing the right thing.

That didn’t mean that I knew how to tell them, though. Luckily, there wasn’t any rush. I had applied to colleges like everyone else, and the acceptance letters that had started to come in the mail would hopefully keep them off my back for a bit until I found out exactly how to make them see that I was serious about the Army. I smiled to myself. It was amazing to finally be passionate about something – to know what I wanted and that it was the right thing for me.

***

“Alice says you were talking to an Army recruiter,” my dad said during dinner. “Did you get your registration for the Selective Service System taken care of?”

I glared at Alice. The little brat looked smug, so she knew I hadn’t just been doing the registration. And now she’d tattled on me before I’d had a chance to prepare what I was going to tell my parents.

“Yes, I did,” I replied carefully.

“But you took forever,” Alice said, doing a perfect imitation of a dumb blonde – she just needed her hair dyed. “Jasper was done right away, and you just kept talking and talking to that soldier guy.”

I could feel my parents looking at me. “Was there a problem with the registration? I’d be happy to call an-”

“No. No problem, Dad,” I interrupted. “I was just asking some questions and listening to what he had to say, that’s all.”

“Why would you waste your time doing that?” my mom asked, wrinkling her nose.

“I thought it was interesting,” I answered and sipped my water while considering if now was a good time to tell them or not. They were going to blow a gasket no matter when or how I told them that I wasn’t going to college. I would have liked to be better prepared, but God only knew what Alice might blurt next just to get me in trouble.

“Interesting?” my dad questioned, stabbing a carrot on his plate forcefully. “I really wish you’d stop procrastinating and make up your mind about where you’ll go after graduation. Just because all the acceptance letters aren’t in yet doesn’t mean that you can’t start prioritizing. It’s an important decision that will shape the rest of your life. Alice started the moment she got her first letter.”

I looked up, half-expecting a ray of divine light to shine through the ceiling and a choir of angels singing hallelujah. My dad loved to hear himself talk, especially when he could lecture someone.

“I know it’s an important decision, Dad, and I really have been giving it a lot of thought.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “I’m not going to college. I’m g-”

“You’re not going to college?” my dad asked calmly – too calmly, interrupting me. “Are you completely out of your mind, boy? You can’t possibly think that we’re going to let you throw away your future just because of some foolish notion you’ve gotten into your stupid head.”

“If you’d just let me fini-”

“I will not let you finish!” he interrupted again. “I will also not let you ruin your life. What, pray tell, were you thinking you would do instead of attending college? Work at McDonald’s?”

I blew out a breath. Alice was looking smug – she was probably thrilled that Dad had stopped nudging her toward something more respectable than her vain TV dreams. It didn’t look like I’d get any support from my mom, either. She looked like she’d drunk vinegar.

“I’m joining the Army,” I said confidently.

“No, you’re not,” my mom said quickly. We all looked at her, and her eyes were trained on me like a missile launcher. “You are not joining any damn Army and getting yourself killed. You are going to college.”

“No, Mom. Dad. I’m sorry, but my mind is made up,” I said.

My dad snorted. “Your mind is made up just because you talked to some Army recruiter today. Be serious, Edward. That’s no reason to suddenly throw away all plans of college.”

“I’ve known for a while that I wasn’t gonna go to college,” I explained. “I was considering either becoming a police officer or a fireman. But hearing about the Army today…Dad, it just fits. It’s the right thing for me. I can feel it.”

“If this is some sort of adrenaline hunt, then spend the summer bungee jumping or sky diving. But go to college in the fall!” he insisted.

I shook my head. “It’s got nothing to do with adrenaline. I want to serve – to make a difference. I want to help people.”

“Then study medicine,” my dad said. “Who knows, you might be the one to find a cure for cancer. Or work as an ER doctor or a surgeon – you’ll be helping people that way, too, and not risking your own life in the process. Medicine is a future – the Army is just a stupid idea you’ve gotten into your head, and one day you’ll look back and regret that you didn’t get an education.”

“I can get an education in the Army. I might even go to college! This is just really something I want,” I said. “It feels so right that I need to do it.”

No one said anything. Alice was eating like nothing had happened, and my parents were having some kind of silent conversation. I was not going to back down – after defending my decision, I was even more certain it was what I wanted. Heidi could dump me all she wanted, my parents could be as disappointed as they cared to be, and Alice could be her usual bratty self. I was going to be wearing a uniform soon.

“We can’t support that,” my dad finally said, breaking into my thoughts. “We wanted to give you an education, but if you’re going to throw that away, you’re on your own. Choose wisely, Edward.”

Well, hell. I had expected them to get mad, but not to be tossed out with the trash. So much for unconditional love and support. It wasn’t like I was doing something stupid. Serving your country was an honorable thing.

I swallowed hard. “I’ve already made my decision.”

My mom looked away immediately, and my dad nodded curtly before doing the same. He and Alice kept eating, but like my mom, I pushed my plate away. I suddenly felt exhausted. I had gone from euphoria when I had finally found a path for my future that felt right, to the worst kind of disappointment as it became clear that no one was going to support my decision.

***

The weeks that followed until graduation were a nightmare. I went to talk to a recruiter again, just to make sure I had all bases covered. I also tried to talk to my mom and dad – even Alice – but it was fruitless. My parents were convinced that I was ruining my life, and all Alice cared about was not falling out of grace like me. When I had first told Jasper about what I was planning, he had been supportive, and I had been relieved. Then Alice got to him, and suddenly he was as bad as my dad.

Everyone whose support I had expected had turned against me. Heidi, Alice, Jasper, and my parents. It did make me think twice about what it would be like going through whatever I encountered in the Army, but it didn’t make me waver. I’d have to toughen up anyway.

Graduation was a farce and basically just a show for Alice’s benefit. I was leaving by the end of July, but it was clear that no one wanted me to stay around even for that long. When Jasper proposed to Alice a few days after graduation, and my parents acted like the best thing that had ever happened to them was that their teenage daughter getting engaged, I packed my stuff. Enough was enough, and I didn’t need to be made a fool of when I had done nothing to deserve it. It was like living in an absurd play on a stage, and I was ready for it all to stop.

When I drove away from Seattle and my home, I hadn’t received any well-wishes or good lucks. I didn’t know where I was going or where I’d spend the weeks until basic training. I was truly on my own for the first time in my life. It was scary and exhilarating at the same time, just as my family’s behavior made me both disappointed and stubborn to succeed. There were a lot of conflicting emotions running through me, but at that moment, the strongest one was pride in my decision. I’d done my research, so smiling to myself, I started singing.

March along, sing our song, with the Army of the free.
Count the brave, count the true, who have fought to victory.
We’re the Army and proud of our name!
We’re the Army and proudly proclaim:

First to fight for the right,
And to build the Nation’s might,
And The Army Goes Rolling Along.
Proud of all we have done,
Fighting till the battle’s won,
And the Army Goes Rolling Along.