12/28/2012

Chapter 25



Tribal men wearing loin cloths and animal bones tied into their curly hair woke me up by playing their little bongo drums really loudly. That was the usual image I had in my head when I woke up with a hangover. I didn’t know why I’d started conjuring it up after drinking too much, but it had been a long time since I had last seen it.

I groaned and squeezed my eyes completely shut as the pain rolled over me in waves. The nausea followed, and I swore that I was never drinking again. Again. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was sure I’d sworn that before.

Something blew into my ear. I startled and did what I had planned never to do again – opened my eyes. Before I could focus, something tickled my nose, and I swatted my arm at whatever it was. Then it giggled and came into focus. I groaned. James. With a large, pink feather. Not wearing a shirt. God, I hoped he was at least wearing pants. I wasn’t feeling well enough to deal with him airing his junk again. Actually, I was never well enough for that.

“Gooooood morning, doll face,” he sang, cheerily.

I closed my eyes and turned my head so I could bury my face in the pillow. “Go away. I’m dead.”

“Ha! Like I’d let you die and leave my Indian princess a widow,” he said, snorting. “So, I’ll trade you coffee and Aspirins for the story of why you’re sleeping out here on the couch.”

I opened my eyes again. Coffee and aspirins sounded like heaven, but he was right. I was on the couch outside our apartments. Trying to remember the previous night made my head hurt even worse than it already did. Had I just collapsed out here when I’d gotten back from…shit, where the hell had I been? The bar? No, it had been closed because of the leaky pipe that had caused so much damage on the floor that Charlie had had to close for a few days. Port Angeles. That’s where I’d been. With Emmett. And we’d obviously been drinking. And…oh. Everything came back to me in one big wave. Crap.

I’d pissed off Bella. And she’d pissed me off. That was why I was sleeping on the couch.

I covered my face with my hands and winced as I remembered the hurtful things we’d said to each other the previous night. It had started out with a stupid thing, but then it escalated to a point where none of us wanted to save it.

A pipe had started leaking in the bar, and when Charlie had noticed it, he’d called me to help him move the furniture and stuff so nothing else got damaged. It would take a few days to fix, and until then the bar would be closed. Somehow, Emmett had discovered that, and we’d made plans to go to Port Angeles. He wanted to introduce me to some of Jake’s old school buddies. I’d readily agreed and had looked forward to a night on the opposite side of the bar counter.

Then I’d told Bella about my plans. She, too, had learned about the closed bar, and she’d made her own plans. Unfortunately they involved me. She expected me to drop my plans, and I told her that I wouldn’t dream of it. Fast forward through a lot of yelling, and suddenly I was as hopeless as my family, and she was boring because she couldn’t drink while she was pregnant. We were really classy when we fought, apparently. She’d been screaming at me when I slammed the door and left.

In a bar in Port Angeles, I’d been drowning my anger and guilty conscience. Jake’s old friends from school were a riot, and once I’d managed to forget about the mess I’d left at home, I’d had a good time. Well, decent time. Okay, I’d felt like an idiot the whole evening. Emmett had delivered me drunk out of my mind outside the building, and I’d been dead set on apologizing to Bella.

The first thing that had gotten in my way was the stairs. Climbing them while drunk was harder than one might think. I’d scraped my knuckles and bumped my knee twice before I got all the way up to the front door. Then followed the fine art of unlocking a door. Who decided to make keyholes so small, anyway? After a lot of fumbling, I had realized my problem. One, I’d forgotten my keys, and two, the door was unlocked.

I remembered wondering why it was unlocked before I’d turned the lock myself. The next door – the one to our apartment – was not unlocked. And no matter how much I banged on it, Bella didn’t open up. She also didn’t pick up her phone.

That was how I’d ended up sleeping on the couch outside the apartment and woken up by James.

“So, do I get the story or not?” James prodded.

“Or not,” I replied. “Go away.”  

“Nope. This is every bit as much my couch as it’s yours,” he claimed and sat down on top of my legs.

Kicking my legs, I managed to push him down. I glared at him as he just scrambled back on top of my legs. “Technically, this couch is Charlie’s as he owns the building. And since he’s my father-in-law, it’s more mine than it’s yours.”

James cackled. “Papa Swan loves me more than he loves you. Everyone does.”

“You’re delusional,” I muttered, kicking him down again and turning around so I could bury my face in the pillow.

He retaliated by pulling off my blanket.

“I swear to God I will kill you if you don’t leave me alone,” I told him.

“I’m too pretty to die, and you love me too much,” he claimed, dumping the blanket over my head.

“I’m loving you less and less by the second,” I warned him, pushing the blanket away and sitting up since apparently I wasn’t going to get anymore sleep. Not sleeping in a real bed made my back protest, and I winced.

“Awww, but you do love me,” he sang and tackled me until he was squeezing every bit of air out of me.

“Dammit! Get off me!”

He giggled. “I always dreamed of wrestling with you in a bed, but a couch will do.”

“You have two seconds to move away, or I’ll pretend that you’re an enemy that needs neutralizing. Your choice,” I said.

“Oooh! Soldier speak. I love it,” he said and squeezed harder.

His two seconds were up, and in another two, I had him face-down with his hands twisted behind his back.

“Mmmm, so rough. My fluffy handcuffs are in my bedside drawer,” he said, slightly muffled as he tried to wiggle. “I also have a whip!”

I sighed. My headache had stopped being a headache, and it was now an earthquake mixed with equal parts road construction, heavy metal concert, and the flu inside my head. It wasn’t fair that I had to deal with the damn diva feeling like that. All I wanted was some sleep, maybe followed by a shower, some coffee and Aspirin, and a trip down to the diner for something greasy. Then I’d probably be able to deal with James. Somewhere in all of that I also needed to squeeze in some making up with Bella. In fact, I should probably put that on top of my list of things to do.

Releasing James abruptly, I got on my feet and went over to the door. It was still locked, so I knocked.

“Hey, I was enjoying myself,” James called out. “And don’t you just feel stupid insisting on keeping that evil dead bolt when I could have picked the lock for you if it hadn’t been there?”

“Don’t you have anywhere you need to be?” I asked, desperately.

“Nope,” he replied, cheerily. “This is better than Days of Our Lives. If I’d watched an episode last year, maybe I’d know what was going on. Did someone cheat? Do you have the same father? Did you get kidnapped and held for ransom? Are you dying from a mysterious disease?”

Instead of using my fists, I banged my head into the door. It wasn’t my brightest idea ever as my head already hurt, but I figured that maybe I could at least knock myself out so I didn’t have to take part in this nightmare any longer.

Finally, I heard the lock being turned. I wasn’t quick enough to move away from the door, so when it opened, I stumbled and fell face first into the entryway carpet. Bella thankfully stepped back so I didn’t knock her over. Maybe it was where I belonged – on my knees in front of her. It was impossible to tell if she agreed, as she just turned on her heel and walked back into the apartment. Scrambling to my feet, I was relieved when I could close the door behind me. That was one problem taken care of, at least – no more crazy diva to make my headache worse.

 After a quick detour into the bathroom, I followed the scent of frying bacon and found Bella in the kitchen. I was pretty sure she knew I was there, but she ignored me. Since I didn’t know what to say, I ignored her back. It might be a new day, but apparently we hadn’t wised up and moved past our Kindergarten behavior. Of course, Bella was probably trying to break me. Along with her tears, her silence was not something I was very good at handling. Unfortunately for me, she probably knew that.  

The road construction was still suffering through an earthquake and attending a death metal concert in my head, and I couldn’t figure out if I should apologize or wait for her to apologize. We’d been equally nasty the previous night, and I couldn’t remember who had started it.

I groaned and shook my head while I watched her prepare breakfast with her back to me at all times - even when she would have normally turned around to grab something. It was getting painful to be so petty when all I wanted was to grab my wife and kiss her. And touch her stomach. Since BC had popped out to show himself as a cute bump almost overnight, I had developed some kind of addiction to touching it. I didn’t know what it was, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Fuck it.

I walked around the counter so it wasn’t separating me from Bella. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things last night. I didn’t even mean them…I was just mad. ”

Her hands paused in the middle of making that smelly green tea she claimed would stop her feet from swelling too much during the pregnancy. She was very reluctant to admit that it didn’t taste very good, but she couldn’t deny that it smelled like crap.

“We need to pick up some class somewhere to teach us to fight fairly. We can’t ever let BC hear us be that ugly. He or she will grow up and be completely fucked up in the head because we’re idiots,” she said, turning around slowly without looking up. “I know that you managed to get away from hopeless parents without being fucked up, but luck might run out with the next generation, and I really don’t want to ruin our baby.”

Uh oh. Warning bells were going off in my head, and I had flashbacks of a crying, slightly hysterical Bella, who was sure we were going to fuck up our child. This time, there were no tears. Yet. I had to steer her away from the slippery and perhaps teary path, though. Firecracker tears and a hangover…ugh…just no. I’d rather go through basic training again with a bad leg and a hangover.

I waited until she looked up. “We’re not going to fuck up BC. Instead of insulting each other like we’re still in high school, we’ll just have food wars instead. Or water fights. I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. Practice makes perfect, right? Maybe that just goes for fights, too.”

She looked so unconvinced that I nearly laughed. I couldn’t blame her, though, as I had no idea where food wars and water fights came from.

“I’m sorry, too.” She bit the inside of her cheek. “And if you think we’re teaching BC to throw food when he or she is mad, you can take another few nights outside on the couch as well as clean up after those food fights.”

“All right, no food fights,” I amended. “Just one question because my brain isn’t working properly today. Are we still fighting?”

Bella snorted. “Last night I wondered briefly why I kept you around. Now I know. It’s for entertainment purposes.”

“Ouch,” I deadpanned.

She giggled and took a step closer so she could bury her face against my chest. “I woke up wanting to still be mad at you, but then I realized that I had as much blame, if not more. It was really annoying. And comparing you to those people in Seattle who happened to give you life was the shittiest thing I could have said. You’re nothing like them.”   

“And you’re not boring because you can’t drink when you’re pregnant,” I replied.

“I know. And don’t you forget it.”

The temptation was too great to resist, and I slowly backed her up against the counter. I had been denied her all night, and we had nowhere we needed to be all day since the bar was closed. I grinned when I bent down to kiss her. A little sigh escaped her. Cutest damn thing ever. She tasted a little of toothpaste and a lot of firecracker. Even if I lived to be a hundred, I’d never tire of her taste. Or her adorable little sounds. Or her smell or the way her body felt pressed against mine. Even with the BC bump, we fit perfectly.

“Mmm…Edward…we need…breakfast,” she managed to get out between kisses.

“Breakfast is overrated.” I kissed her throat. “Besides, you taste so much better than pancakes.”

She moaned. “Bacon.”

Chuckling, I sucked at the base of her neck hoping I could get a little mark in before she noticed. Then I looked up. “Bacon?”

“Huh?” Her eyes were hooded, and she looked a little dazed. Man, I was good.

“Yeah, that’s what you said a moment ago,” I replied, sneaking a hand under her t-shirt. Her skin was warm, soft, and just begging to be touched.

“Oh. Oh!” The look in her eyes cleared, and she pushed me away. “I’m burning the bacon.”

“Screw the bacon.” It flew out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about anything except the fact that Bella was no longer in my arms. However, the look she sent me over her shoulder had hints of inventory-doing. My inventory-doing. “What?” I asked.

“I’m starving,” she replied, busy getting the no doubt very crispy bacon off the heat. “Can you make some toast?”

“Toast? You want toast?”

She looked at me, curiously. “What’s wrong with toast?”  

“Nothing. Just…you were present a moment ago, right?” I had been under the impression that she’d been enjoying herself as much as I had, and when we did, things usually went in one direction – a direction that had nothing to do with bacon and toast. Maybe it was because my brain was still trying to catch up, but I was thoroughly confused.

She looked almost apologetic when she spared me a glance while starting on the eggs. “I’m sorry, but I’m just really, really hungry. Eating for two and all that crap, remember?”    

I nodded slowly to her back. And then I watched in equal parts horror and fascination as she sprinkled chopped pickles and M&Ms into the eggs. Clearly, my wife had been adducted by aliens and replaced by an alien who looked exactly like her. Or maybe the bongo drum-playing men in my head had barbecued my brain and eaten it as a snack. Who did you call in such an emergency? The police? Animal Control? NASA?

“Edward? Edward!” she called, staring at me like I was crazy. Ahem. “The toast. Where’s your head today?”

I decided not to answer and just went to make the toast. I had no idea how to deal with alien wives, but feeding them sounded like a wise idea.

Foolishly, I’d thought that the pickle/M&Ms eggs were just for Bella. But no. They appeared on my plate, too. Alien Bella stabbed them and ate with great delight.

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner,” she said, humming appreciatively. “Eggs go so nicely with something sweet and something sour, don’t you think?”

“Um…” I cleared my throat and looked at the eggs. One bite probably wouldn’t kill me. After all, I’d lived through Army slobber for years. Taking a deep breath, I took a bite. Cringed. Chewed. Swallowed. And then I took another bite. That stuff wasn’t half bad.

“See? I told you,” Bella said, dipping her bacon into her nasty tea.

The bacon tea was my limit, but I couldn’t deny that the eggs were pretty good. I wondered if it was normal for guys to jump onto the weird pregnancy cravings wagon. Maybe I needed to do some research. Soon. Right after I’d finished what we’d started earlier. There were other cravings to be satisfied.  

***

Bella and I invited Sue and Charlie over for dinner since we didn’t have work. Somehow, I’d ended up in charge of the cooking, and frankly, cooking for Sue Swan was enough to make anyone nervous. I wasn’t stupid enough to try something elaborate – instead I’d decided just to stick with what I knew. Italian. I’d be making lasagna and tiramisu. Well, if Bella didn’t eat all the lady fingers first.

Charlie joined me in the kitchen a few minutes after he and Sue had arrived.

“This feels weird,” he said when I’d offered him a beer. “Call me sexist, but I’m used to it being the women folk gathering up in the kitchen to gossip while the men have a drink in the living room.”

I laughed. “I wouldn’t let Bella and Sue hear that.”

“Hell no,” he said, snorting. “Well, since it’s the other way around here today, put me to work. Wouldn’t want it to be known that I’m the only one never cooking.”

“Actually, I’m nearly done. But if you want a bit of the credit, you can put the rolls in the oven.”

He nodded and completed the task while I finished up the salad.

“Actually I wanted to ask you something,” he said, still fiddling with the oven dials. Then he straightened up and looked at me. “Sue and I haven’t had a real vacation in years, so we’re anxious to use your generous gift. We were going to close the bar and the diner while we were gone, but Bella protested. Sue and I talked it over again, and we agreed to let Bella have her way. Somewhat.”

“Does Bella know about the somewhat part?” I asked, curiously wondering if there’d be another display of the glorious firecracker temper soon.

“Ah, no,” Charlie admitted. “She claims that being in charge of everything while we’re gone won’t be a problem, and I’m sure it wouldn’t, but that’s not how things are going to go. It’s too much stress for her. Especially now.”

I nodded, agreeing completely, while taking the lasagna out of the oven. I still had no idea how Sue and Charlie had done it all these years, managing two businesses as well as a family.  

“That’s why she’s only getting the diner,” he continued. “And Leah has solemnly sworn not to allow Bella to overdo it, even if she has to use the office as a holding cell or call you or James as reinforcements. We’re hoping you’ll look after the bar.”

Trust and responsibility right there. Even if I had wanted to, there was no way I could say no. I could still spend part of the day in the diner making sure that Leah could handle Bella. God knew her stubbornness could easily prove a challenge to all of us if she decided so.

“I won’t let you down,” I promised.

Charlie shook his head, smiling. “Don’t be stupid, son. That’s the last thing on our minds. If you’d rather have the time off, you can try convincing Bella…”

“No thanks,” I replied quickly. “I value my life. Besides, I like working at the bar.”

“Smart man,” he said. “Although you did just agree to take on James on your own, so maybe smart isn’t the right word, after all.”

I paled as he laughed. Well, that was going to be…an experience. I’d have to threaten to unleash Sue on his wardrobe to keep him in line. Running to Bella was definitely not an option – not just because after working all or most of the day at the diner, the last thing she needed was not being able to relax in the evenings. But also because I’d never live it down if I couldn’t handle the diva on my own.

Then I forgot all about my manly pride and reversed back to fear. Charlie helped me put the food on the table where, a few moments later, I anxiously watched Sue take her first bite of dinner. I’d cooked for different people over the years, even for my own mother, but Sue’s opinion mattered. In fact, it mattered not only like I was a contestant on MasterChef, but also because I was a little boy inside, eager for his mommy’s praise. God knew I had never received much of it growing up.

Fucked up? Yes, sir.

“Charlie, we made a mistake,” Sue said after having swallowed the first bite of lasagna. “A big one.”

He was happily munching on his food, but spared her a brief look between bites. “Oh?”

“Clearly, we should have asked Edward to look after the diner instead of the bar,” she said, smiling at me. “This is amazing, dear. I didn’t know you were such a great cook.”

“I told you, Mom,” Bella said, attacking a roll with great enthusiasm.

“You’re in love with the man. You’re supposed to think he’s great at everything. That doesn’t mean it’s true,” Sue rationalized. “Edward, we’ll have to compare recipes sometime.”

Both Charlie and Bella thought that was hilarious, but I just smiled at Sue and nodded. Screw them. I’d join a book club and wear a frilly apron for Sue if she asked me to.

Once I’d gotten Sue’s seal of approval, I could relax and enjoy dinner. It was everything a family dinner was supposed to be, and since there was nothing wrong with my memory, I made a point of enjoying myself.

Bella took it well when Charlie and Sue told about how they’d decided to divide the business responsibilities. It was probably because she was plotting to stick her nose in bar business anyway, but I wouldn’t be backing down. She needed her rest, and I needed to prove to myself and, whether they liked it or not, to show Sue and Charlie that I was worthy of their trust.

“And if James gives you any trouble, you just leave him to me when we get back,” Sue said. “I love that boy to bits, but I swear he’s responsible for every gray hair on my head.”

“You don’t have any gray hairs,” Charlie said, squinting his eyes as he looked at his wife’s hair.

Sue smiled sweetly at him. “I love you even more for pretending you don’t know that I dye my hair.”

“Oh no,” Bella muttered. “Gag alert. I think my morning sickness just resurfaced.”

Chuckling, I watched Sue and Charlie lean in and kiss. I thought it was awesome how they were still in love and not afraid to show it. Had they been my parents, I might have felt more like Bella did, though. I didn’t know since I couldn’t remember ever seeing my parents kiss or hug. I might have seen them smile at each other, but not lovingly. I sighed to myself. I really had to stop thinking about them. They didn’t give a fuck, and neither did I.

Serving the tiramisu made the kissing stop. Of course, it also made Bella start making those cute – and not so cute – little sounds that made me wish her parents weren’t there. My reaction to her licking her spoon wasn’t really something that should be happening in the near vicinity of them, either. I didn’t kick her like I wanted to, but I did glare at her. That only made her grin evilly and continue with the sounds and the licking. She was no longer an alien – she was the devil.

And the devil was going to pay as soon as the parents went home.  

***

March arrived with James spending every quiet moment at work making St. Patrick’s Day decorations. He cut, glued, applied glitter, and strung together until Charlie yelled at him to take all his crap somewhere else. Apparently James was a huge fan of shamrocks and leprechauns. Why they needed glitter, I couldn’t figure out, but Bella told me how he always went all out for his favorite drinking holiday.

Personally, I was excited, too. Not for drinking beer, wearing green, and singing along to jolly songs you didn’t know the words to anyway. No. Much more important things were taking place in early March. I was winning the most important bet of my life.

The night before the ultrasound appointment that would prove to the world that I was right when I claimed that BC was a boy, I had the weirdest dream. It started out nice enough with me holding the cutest little girl with big brown eyes, brown corkscrew curls, and the most adorable dimples in the world. She had a bubbly laugh and looked exactly like Bella. On the front of her onesie it said BC in big, pink letters.

Then, as I watched in horror, the baby grew older until she was a teenager. I had to let her go, and when I did, it started crawling with boys who were asking her out, putting their soon-to-be cut off hands on her, making her giggle, and bringing her presents. Before I knew it, she was fully grown, pregnant, and telling me that she’d gotten married. Even as I saw myself shooting the bastard husband, I knew it sounded weirdly familiar.

And that was when I woke up with a gasp. The bedroom was dark, and I felt as if I’d been in a sauna. From the sound of her even breathing, Bella was still sleeping beside me, and it calmed me somewhat as I realized two things. One, I was pretty fucking lucky that Charlie hadn’t shot me in the ass, and two, in case I was somehow wrong about BC being a boy, I needed to research some of those Thai websites about sex changes. I just wasn’t cut out to have a daughter. At least not in the first try. A man had to build up experience for something like that.

I turned on the lamp on the bedside table and took a drink of water from the bottle next to it. But BGC, as I was dubbing Baby Girl Cullen, sure had been cute. She’d looked exactly like Bella, and I was pretty sure that she wouldn’t even need tears to get me to do anything she asked. Putting the bottle back on the table and turning the light back off, I started wondering what BBC – Baby Boy Cullen – might look like. He’d be the cutest baby in the world, of course. Perfect. Never crying. Sleeping through the night. Kicking the diva when he was being annoying.  

I settled back under the covers, reaching for Bella to hold her close. My mind wouldn’t shut up, though. No matter how hard I tried to focus on a little boy, the little girl from my dream kept taking his place. Stroking my palm over Bella’s stomach, I silently begged for my sanity and my baby boy.

The last thought that went through my mind before sleep claimed me, was an image of my baby boy throwing a fit because he wasn’t allowed to dress up in a pink, frilly dress that glittered and smelled like candy floss.   

11/11/2012

Chapter 24







“Indian princess, come on,” James whined. “All of the good baby clothes will be bought up if we don’t hurry, and then Baby Cullen will have to wear rags.”

I snorted. “Because the millions of other baby clothes littering my apartment couldn’t possibly clothe my infant three times over.”

“It’s all about options. If you were a girl, you’d understand this. However, since you’re pretending to be one, you have no idea what I’m talking about.” James sighed. “I’ve got my work cut out for me since you’re her mother.”

How I ended up in a nightmare where James questioned my status as a woman, and the diva thought my possible daughter was going to learn fashion tips from him I didn’t know. The day had started off on a high note wrapped in Edward’s arms.  

As we finished up the breakfast dishes, James knocked on the door and insisted we open up. Edward let James in, and then somehow the sneaky diva convinced me we needed to shop for the baby.  I don’t know what I’d been thinking. Our apartment was bursting at the seams with all things baby, and I’d learned more about the different types of items that went along with infants than I’d ever cared to know.

I sighed. “Does the fact that my feet feel like they’ve grown two sizes in the past hour not bother you?

“Don’t be so dramatic,” James chastised. “Beauty is pain. Move it, Bella.”

I stomped off toward the third baby store we’d been to that afternoon. Inside, it was the same as the others. Piles and piles of clothes, tons of toys, and other items that carried, pushed, or otherwise entertained a little one. It was overwhelming.

“Um, why do I need to buy everything today? You know Mom wants to have a baby shower eventually,” I pointed out.

“Well, if you look at what is available for Baby Cullen, then you’ll be able to tell people what to buy you.” I was positive I detected a silent “duh” during James’ rambling.

“Can’t I just register online or something? I’m tired,” I whined.

James shook his head in irritation. “How will you know from a picture if the shade is more rose than pink? Taking the time to look at the actual clothes is the only way to be sure.”

“I’m going to lie down on a bench. I’m done. Come find me when you’re finished.” 

He waved me off as I left the store, and I managed to keep the eye roll I wanted to send him internal when I found a bench close to the store and sat down. I had more energy nowadays, but coming out with James had been too much. He acted like I had the same energy he did. Over assuming idiot.  

I sighed. I’d really wanted to spend time with Edward before we’d had to work at the bar, but that idea was quickly going out the window. James was the biggest cuddle-blocker of all time. I looked around, wondering if I could get away with really napping on the bench.  

“Oh, look, Indian Princess!” James exclaimed, plopping his ass down next to me on the bench. He pulled a frilly, white piece of cloth full of ribbons and lace out of a shopping bag. Laying it out across his lap, I realized it was a small dress.

“What the hell is that?” I asked in an irritated tone, knowing that now my bench nap was not possible.  

“It’s a Christening dress, Bella,” James said, rolling his eyes. “I’ve been searching for the perfect one practically forever. I finally found it, and it will look so lovely on her. And since you and Mr. Stud Muffin decided to have a tacky court house wedding, I’m going to wear my pink silk suit to the Christening—where Auntie James will be named our pretty princess’s fairy godmother.”

I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head, trying to find some patience for the fool.

“You are aware that being a godfather,” I said, emphasizing the last word, “has nothing to do with fairytales, right?”

He waved me off. “Says you. Every little girl needs someone to swoop in and save the day in matters of fashion, and I’m the perfect person for the job. There is nothing you or your delicious husband can do to stop me.”

I left the delusional diva to his insanity. Edward and I still had a few months to convince James that he was, in fact, way off base. I wondered what James would do if the baby turned out to be a boy.

I almost wish we were having a boy so I could find out.

~.~.~.~

“So, then, Mike asks if he can spank me. Can you believe the nerve of him?’ Jessica asked.

“I take it you’re not into kinky sex?” I questioned back.

“Um, kinky is fine. But when my husband wants to smack my ass, that’s where I draw the line. Fucking idiot.” Jessica huffed and crossed her arms.

I looked at the end of the bar, where Mike was sitting and talking to Edward and James. He glanced over at me and lowered his head. It was obvious he knew his wife was bitching about him. Stupid man indeed. He had to realize that Jessica would divulge all the dirty details because she always complained to me. I tried to hold in a laugh and failed.

“Well, Edward’s never asked to spank me, so I guess I don’t have to worry about him crossing that line.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “You’re pregnant. Your husband wouldn’t dare suggest it now. At least, I hope he wouldn’t.  Otherwise, I’d kick his ass. For real.”

“And this is why I love your violent little ass.” 

“All I’m sayin’ is, if Mike decides to follow through with spanking me, he better not go to sleep. I’ll make Lorena Bobbitt look like a love sick fool.”

I was glad Jessica and Mike had shown up at the bar. The night was slow and boring, and their crazy at times relationship made for great entertainment. Renee had even come in, but since my father wasn’t working, she was pouting at the end of the bar.

Two strong, familiar arms wrapped around my waist from behind. I leaned back and melted into Rusty, resting my head on his shoulder as he absentmindedly rubbed my baby bump.

“Mike wants me to ask if it’s okay for him to come down here and sit with you. He said you banned him from your side,” Edward said, fighting a laugh.

“Did that pinhead tell you what he tried to do?” Jessica asked.

Edward buried his head into my hair, shaking with silent laughter. After a few moments, he composed himself and looked over at Jessica.

“Um, sort of.”

“Well, did he tell you he wants to spank me? Spank me! Has that fool lost his damn mind?” Jessica’s voice steadily rose with each word.

Edward had lost the grip on his control and was laughing hard. He let go of me and laid his head down on the counter, smacking his hand on the bar top.

“I’m glad my pain amuses you.” Jessica deadpanned.

He lifted his head up. “From what I hear, Mike wasn’t able to inflict any pain.”

“Fuck you.” Jessica glared. “You would find this funny. You’re a man and all men are pigs.”

 “I’m sorry,” Edward apologized, wiping his eyes with his hand. “It’s just…the mental image I get every time I think about what would happen if he followed through is too much.”

Jessica smiled and relaxed her posture. “I would kick his boring ass, wouldn’t I? Okay, I forgive you for being stupid.”

“Baby, can I please sit by you now? I’m sorry, and I’ll never bring it up again.” Mike thrust out his folded hands.

Jessica looked over at her husband, glaring at him.

“How are you going to make it up to me?” Jessica asked.

“Um, I’ll buy you that necklace you wanted?” Mike said like it was a question, walking toward her.

“You mean the one that you said you’d rather shove a cucumber up your ass than buy?”

“Yeah, that’s the one,” Mike whispered.

Jessica put her finger on her chin, thinking over his offer.

“Knew I shouldn’t have taken that cracked out fairy’s advice,” Mike muttered, loud enough for Jessica, Edward, and I to hear.

“What?” Jessica screamed. “James, get your fucking ass out here. Now!”

I glanced around, noticing for the first time, that the diva had slipped out sometime during Jessica’s bitch fest. James had to know the shit had hit the fan, and he was about to be turned into ground beef. Jessica was pissed and out for blood.

“Do you mind if I go check the back? I have a diva to kill,” Jessica said.

“Go ahead. Just…please. If you’re going to spill blood, do it out in the parking lot. I don’t want to have to clean up the gore.”

“Yeah, I second that. It would most likely be me doing it, anyway,” Edward said.

“Honey pie, don’t you think you’re overreacting a little bit?” Mike asked.

Jessica sent him a frosty glare that made him cringe, effectively shutting him up. She hopped off the stool, went around the counter, and stomped to the back room. I looked up at Edward and the sound of things being thrown around, followed by a high-pitched scream, floated out to us.

Then, out of nowhere, James streaked through the bar, up the steps to the front door, and ran outside. Jessica was following close behind him, cursing as she chased him.

“Holy shit! I thought she was kidding!” Edward exclaimed.

“Uh, no,” Mike said. “My wife is a vengeful little thing. James is in so much trouble. I’m just glad I’m not the one facing her wrath at the moment.”

“You stupid jackass,” I said. “You should know better than to take anything James says to heart. Now he’s going to die, and it’ll be all your fault.”

Mike hung his head, properly chastised.

“Bella.” Edward tried to be the voice of reason. “I’m sure Jessica will end up forgiving James. Their probably out in the parking lot laughing at the situation right now.”

I shook my head. “You have so much to learn.”

The sound of a door slamming made us turn our heads. James jogged down the stairs, looking around frantically. His eyes locked on Edward, and he sprinted over to him.

“Please, I’m begging you. Hide me,” he said, clasping his hands in front of him.

“What?” Edward asked.

“I faked like I was running into the woods and doubled back. Hurry! She’s going to figure it out any minute. You can’t let me die. I’m too pretty,” James leveled Edward with puppy dog eyes.

“Oh, James. Where the fuck are you?” Jessica called out, coming down the steps.

James squeaked, diving behind Edward. My husband tried to push him off, but James was hanging on so tightly to Edward’s shirt, it was like it was soldered on. I moved away from Edward, because I decided standing next to him was no longer safe. When Jessica realized that James was being shielded by Rusty, the claws were going to come out and both men would be shredded.

I walked around the bar just as Jessica entered the room. Sitting down beside Mike, I watched as she started checking under tables. I almost felt sorry for James but thought better of it. Maybe when Jessica kicked his ass, he’d think twice before he handed out unwanted sexual advice again.

“James, come out come out wherever you are,” Jessica sang.

I glanced over at Edward, and he was holding his breath, standing like a statue. It was obvious that he finally realized Jessica wasn’t playing around. I almost laughed at his expression but decided against it. If my friend figured out Edward had turned traitor, he would be caught in the crosshairs. Since I kind of liked having him around, I kept my lips pressed together.

A look of horror crossed Edward’s eyes as Jessica moved toward him. Quickly he moved slightly to the right, revealing James. The diva screeched and started to back up, hitting the shelves where the bottles were stored.

“Now, Jessica,” James said, raising his hands in surrender.

“Oh, no,” Jessica said. “You’re not talking your way out of this one.”

She picked up the soda nozzle we used for mixed drinks and pointed it in James’ direction. The cornered James held his hands up in surrender. An evil grin crossed Jessica’s face as she pressed the button on the back of the nozzle. At the last second, James pivoted on his heel and ran in the direction of the front doors and out into the parking lot, leaving Edward in the spray’s path.

“The fuck!” Edward screamed, moving away from the stream of soda water and holding his soaked shirt away from his body.

“Damn it!” Jessica pressed another button, turning the flow off. “I almost had him!”

“Congratulations. Now I’m soaked. What did I ever do to you?”

“You hid him.” Jessica shrugged, placing the nozzle back in its holder. “Next time get out of my way.”

“That’s so fucking unfair.” Edward huffed, wringing out his shirt. “I moved.”

“Not fast enough by the look of your shirt.”

“I’m going to go change. See if I ever make your drinks again.”

I giggled at Edward’s mumbling as he passed by me on his way to the apartment.

~.~.~.~

I took in the scene that was supposed to be my wedding reception. James had really outdone himself. The bar had been closed down that evening for the occasion. Everything that was nailed down had either been covered in pink cloth or decorated in some way with the hideous color. There were pale pink roses everywhere—stuck in vases on tables, in arrangements around the room, and even in my fucking hair. I’d drawn the line when James had suggested shopping for wedding dresses. I didn’t see the sense in buying something I’d only ever wear to a glorified social gathering.

Instead, he’d tricked me into getting a strapless white gown. It was floor length and had a corset in the back. Somehow, he’d found the ball gown that was disturbingly close to what he wanted anyway. I’d thrown a fit until he threatened to frog march my ass downstairs naked.

Edward ended up in a black suit with a pink tie. He was dashing in the outfit, but he looked like he was going to a fancy party—not the groom of a wedding reception. I envied him. I looked like I belonged on top of a damn wedding cake.

Everyone we knew had been invited.  Even though he’d created a pink nightmare, James had surprised me with how well organized the event was. First, we were to be served dinner, followed by toasts. Then he’d planned for cake cutting, bouquet tossing, and garter throwing. Afterwards, dancing and mingling with the crowd was on the list. I still wasn’t sure how the dancing part was supposed to happen. There was no more room in the bar than there had been when Rose and Emmett got married. I chalked that up to James’ need to make the impossible happen.

As I sat next to my husband eating, I glanced at the faces of our guests. The one face that was missing made me sad. The grief that always followed thoughts of my brother was more of a distant ache those days. It was all because of the man sitting next to me. He hadn’t known it at the time, but when he’d come into our lives, he’d given us back something that we’d though was lost forever. Love and laughter.

He was just as broken as we were, but somehow, he was able to help us pick up the pieces and glue ourselves back together. At the same time, we’d done the same thing for him. Edward’s own family didn’t give a damn about him, and he was lost. We were a family that had lost a favorite son. He was the black sheep son who’d been kicked out of his family by no fault of his own. When we came together, it was like everything clicked. Nothing could replace Jake, nor could we completely fill the hole left by his family’s absence in Edward’s heart. Instead, we’d forged a bond and gained a closeness that couldn’t be destroyed.

Dad stood up, raising his glass and clearing his throat. Everyone quieted down, and each person in the room gave him their full attention.

“Just a couple of months ago, I stood before you congratulating Emmett and Rosalie on their marriage as the best man, standing in for my son, Jake. This time, I stand before you as the father of the bride, getting ready to give words of advice and praise for Edward and Bella,” my father said, giving us a pointed look. “Since these yahoos decided to run off to the courthouse to get married, I invoke my fatherly right to make the first toast.”

I rolled my eyes at him.

He shook his head. “Now, there will be none of your attitude, missy. I didn’t get to walk my daughter down the aisle. So now you have to suck it up and let me have this.”

I softened, and Edward put his arm around my shoulder.

“Everyone sitting here today knows Bella. Hell, almost all of you watched her grow up from the cute girl she was into the beautiful woman she is today. However, even though most of you have met Edward, I’m not sure if you’ve heard how he officially came into our lives.”

I reached up and squeezed the hand resting on my collar bone. Looking over at Edward, I saw a small smile on his face.

“Edward was Jake’s Sergeant in the Army. He came to Forks months after Jake’s death and Edward’s subsequent stay at Walter Reed. The first time I saw him was in the diner. He was polite and nervous, and when he finally told me his reason for the visit, that was the day he earned my respect. I knew from that moment on he was an honorable man.

“Somehow, we convinced him to stay. It was entertaining to watch Bella push him away, knowing they were perfect for each other. This nut over here,” he said, pointing to James, “even got involved. After that, it was hilarious. Sue, James, and I were convinced that they’d eventually get their heads out of their asses. We just didn’t realize it’d be this soon.”

The crowd laughed and Emmett shouted, “You can say that again!”

Dad snorted. “Now, I get the honor of calling Edward my son-in-law and have the peace of mind of knowing he’ll take care of my little girl.”

I teared up at his words, because I knew that he meant it. Edward had become like a son to him, and I was sure that he wouldn’t have said that about any other man.

“So, Edward, here’s my advice to you. As the father of the woman you married, I’d like to say that, even though I love you, I will shoot you if you hurt her.”

Guffaws and chuckles filled the bar. “That being said, I know my daughter is just like her mother. The only wisdom I can impart as a married man is…well…I’m sure you and I will be doing a lot of inventory together in the coming years.”

Mom smacked Dad on his ass, sending shivers of revulsion down my spine. Sometimes I really wished that my parents would behave in public.

I turned to Edward to say something, but he stopped my words with his lips. A chorus of “Aw’s” surrounded us, but I didn’t pay attention to them. I was lost in my husband’s kiss.

When we separated, I saw that Emmett was standing with his glass raised. “Okay, I’m kinda miffed that I didn’t get to be the best man, because I know I was a shoo in.”

Everyone chuckled.

“But I’m so glad you both finally saw what was in front of you. I know you’ll be as happy as I am with my Rosie. Bella, we’ve known each other for a long time. You’ve always been like a sister to me, and I give you the same promise. I don’t care if Edward was a big, bad Sergeant. Charlie and I will practice our target shooting with his ass if he ever hurts you.”

I laughed, looking over at Edward. He shook his head in amusement.

“Edward, you’ve become a good friend. We’re all so lucky that you decided to live here. You’ve brought back the snarky, sarcastic Bella we all know and love, minus the bitterness, and I speak for everyone when I say thank you. I am positive that Jake is looking down on the both of you right now smiling. He would have loved the idea of the two of you being together.”

Emmett sat down as the crowd applauded. Tears came to my eyes once again. Damn hormones. Edward kissed my temple and pulled me closer.

James stood up next, and Edward groaned. I nudged him, silently asking him to behave.

“I had a speech all planned out for when Edward and Bella got married. However, I had to ditch it when they decided to have a tacky courthouse wedding, denying me my right to be the maid of honor. So, I’m going to have to wing it.” James huffed.

“Hush it, bitch. I was going to be Bella’s matron of honor,” Jessica called out.

“Nuh-uh,” Rose said. “She’s my best friend.”

“Fuck you all!” Leah yelled. “I’m family. I was maid of honor by default!”

“And this is why we got married at city hall,” I whispered to Edward.

He chuckled. “God, I’m so glad we did. This reception is bad enough. Our wedding would have been hell if James planned it.”

“Excuse me, ladies. I’m trying to make a speech here.” James glared, crossing his arms. “Anyway, I knew from the beginning that they were meant for each other. Well, that is, after I figured out Edward was straight.”

Edward shook his head and mouthed “fuck you.”

James rolled his eyes at Edward and me. “I pushed them together every change I got. It took some time, but eventually, they cracked like I knew they would. Now, they’re blissfully married and about to be blessed with a daughter.”

“A son!” Edward yelled.

James shook his head. “This is the part where I’d read a poem, but Papa Swan says I can’t. So, instead, I just want to say that you, Edward and Bella, give me hope that true love really does exist.”

Edward wiped a tear from my eye. What was it with these people, trying to make me cry? I leaned into my husband, hoping to calm down.

“Um, I’d like to say a few words as someone that has known Edward for years,” Jasper began nervously as he stood up. All eyes went to him, and I was curious as to what he’d say. Edward furrowed his eyebrows in question, probably thinking the same thing I was.

“I’m sure I’m not the best person to do this. Everyone is probably aware of the strain on Edward’s and my friendship, but I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you, man. You’ve managed to find a woman that loves you and a family that has your back. That’s a rare thing in this world, and I hope that you know how lucky you are. Hold on to it tight and never let go. If Carlisle and Esme weren’t so stuck on themselves, they’d probably tell you the same thing.

“And, Bella, thank you. I know most of you wouldn’t see it, but you’ve brought the light back into Edward’s eyes. It’s something I haven’t seen since we were kids, and it’s nice to see it has returned. You really are his savior. Please, take care of him like he should be because we, meaning his family and me, were too self-involved to do it.”

Jasper sat back down. He looked over at me, and I mouthed, “I will” at him. Jasper nodded his head at me, smiling.

The rest of the night was less emotional. Edward and I talked with our guests and cut the cake. At first, Edward acted like he was going to shove the piece of cake in my face, but he didn’t. It was a good thing, too. I wasn’t above pushing him into it, making our wedding an almost exact replica of Emmett and Rosalie’s, well, minus me getting cake on my dress.

As things were winding down, Edward and I ended up sitting with Emmett and Rose, Mike and Jessica, Mom and Dad, Jasper and Leah, and James. Our conversation had started out with everyone congratulating us individually, but Edward ended up retelling the story of his father’s visit.

“Man, I wish I’d have been here when he showed up. I’d have had a few choice words for him,” Emmett said.

“Yeah, it sound like someone needs to be taught some manners,” Jessica agreed, nodding her head.

“That’s so fucked up. I can’t believe your own family abandoned you. I know it’s probably not worth much, but Jessica and I are here for you if you need us,” Mike offered.

“Thanks, Mike. Your support is worth more than you’ll ever know,” Edward said.

“Oh, I wish that man would come back. How dare he talk to one of my children that way?” Mom seethed.

“Mom, it’s okay,” I said, patting her hand across the table. She sat back and kept her mouth closed, but I could see the wheels in her head spinning. Mom was not going to let it go, and God help him if Edward’s father showed up again. He was going to be the diner’s Thursday Mystery Special.

“I’m used to it. Nothing I did was ever good enough for Carlisle or Esme Cullen. If it didn’t make them look like parents of the year, they couldn’t be bothered with it. It was all an illusion, anyway. Neither one of them were fit to take care of a house plant,” Edward said.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I think a plan to take out your crappy father is in order. I was doing some research last night, and I have the perfect way. I say we go Mafia on his ass and fit him with cement boots, then throw him in the ocean,” James said.

“I appreciate your concern, James,” Edward said. “But I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life in prison.”

“Oh, butter butt, your sweet face will never see the inside of a jail cell. You have much more important things to do, like keep Indian princess happy and be a father to our pretty, pretty princess. I’m more than happy to do it all myself,” James explained.

Edward raised an eyebrow.

“Um, he picked that nickname out the other day,” I said.

“I’m having a boy,” Edward said, enunciating each word.

“Whatever, stud muffin. You and Bella are the brother and sister I always wanted, and no one messes with my family. I love Bella enough to kill for her, and I feel the same way about you.”

“Thanks, James, but I don’t want you to end up in prison. Who else is going to annoy the shit out of me?” Edward asked, trying to lighten the mood.

Everyone laughed.

“Oh, if he shows his face again, I’m helping James. Those bastards don’t deserve you,” Rose said.

“Fuck yeah. We’ll go all Godfather on his ass,” Jessica added.

“The man doesn’t stand a chance if he comes back,” Dad said.

I looked over at Jasper and noticed he seemed uncomfortable. Edward and the others were busy planning Carlisle’s fictional death, but Jasper sat in silence. I wondered what he thought about the conversation going on. I remembered, at one time, he was somewhat a part of Edward’s family, too. While he didn’t seem like the person Edward had described as a crappy best friend, I still wasn’t sure where his loyalties lied. He’d been back and forth since he’d first come to see Edward. Besides spending time with Leah, he hadn’t been around much the past couple of months.

When Edward’s Dad showed up, we didn’t really question how he’d known where Edward had been all this time. Since then I’d been trying to figure out who had told him about Edward’s whereabouts. Carlisle had no idea Edward was living in Forks the last I knew. So, his arrival to Forks was suspect at best. I really didn’t want to accuse Jasper of throwing my husband under the bus, but I couldn’t figure out how else Edward’s father would have known he was there. The evidence was beginning to point in Jasper’s direction.

I was going to keep my eye on Jasper. It was becoming clearer each passing day that my first instinct about the man was correct. He wasn’t worthy of Edward.

Jasper had better hope I was wrong.