Barney on Acid

“James, just let it go,” I said with a sigh.

“But…but, Bella-boo, he put a deadbolt on his door. How am I going to get him to watch the deliciousness that is Tom Cruise with me now, huh? Jumbo Cock won’t do it any other way,” James said with a pout.

“Well, you’ll just have to…wait a minute.” I whipped around to face him. “You looked, didn’t you? How else would you know he’s gifted in that department?”

“Of course I looked. It sounds like you were a pervert and had a peek, too. What I want to know is how you accomplished it. Did you beg him, or did you jump on the hobby horse?” He thrust his hips for emphasis.


“Fuck you, moron. Unlike you, I saw it by accident.” I shook my head, walking away from him. “The sheet fell when I unlocked him from the bed rail.”

We stopped outside James’ apartment. After he’d tried to give Edward that pathetic cupcake, and was turned down, he’d been bugging me about why Edward had refused it. The overdramatic gay man was starting to get on my nerves, and I was about ready to punch him. Usually, his antics amused me. The way he was not only screwing with Edward, but me, as well, was starting to be a little much. If I was honest with myself, it was more than that.

Earlier, at the diner, I saw the man Jake had written about in his letters. He was a good guy who was humble and thought very little of himself. I could imagine what type of soldier he had been and why my brother had admired him. The fact that he’d made a horrible first impression on me meant nothing at the moment. He had been someone Jake cared deeply about, and it made me ache to think he didn’t have anyone else in the world that cared for him.

My thoughts were cut off with more whining. “Fine, be that way. You know…you deserve each other. Neither one of you would know what fun is if it smacked you in the face.”

“Goodnight, James,” I called out as I walked away. “Oh, and you can forget about the early wake up call. Edward put a deadbolt on my door, too.”

A shocked gasp left his mouth as I unlocked my door and went inside. I heard him call me a “traitorous bitch,” but I ignored his words. I was in for a night of blissful sleep. No amount of theatrics was going to ruin it.

The next few days passed by, spending my off with Rosalie getting ready for her wedding, visiting the cemetery, and working with James and Rusty. James was still mad at me, so he had taken to ignoring me. It was fine by me—I ignored his pouty ass right back. Most nights I ended up working at Edward’s end of the bar. It had become easier to form a friendship with him since I’d found out who he was. I found that I liked him outside of his connection of my brother, too. He was funny, sarcastic, honest, loyal, and was fast becoming my best friend. The fact that he was easy on the eyes didn’t hurt either. I had caught a glimpse of what he was packing, and I knew he was going to make some lucky lady very happy one day.

Thinking about him finding someone to settle down with made me kind of sad. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to find love, because I did. I knew, even if we hadn’t acknowledged it, his family wasn’t around or didn’t give a damn about him. However, it was more that I’d finally let someone who hadn’t been like family, or was interested in females, behind my wall. That was major enough, and I wasn’t ready to lose him to another girl yet. Yes, it was selfish, but I didn’t care.

Edward had agreed to come to lunch again on Thursday, and I had everything ready, like the last time, when he arrived.

“Christ, Bella, you do realize that if you keep feeding me like this, I won’t be able to fit into the booths anymore,” Edward pointed out as he slid into his seat.

I laughed and sat down on the other side. “Aw, are you turning down the coleslaw? That’s okay—means more for me,” I said, leaning over the table to scoop it off his plate.

“Back off, or you’ll lose a finger.” He swatted at my hand. “I’m serious when it comes to my coleslaw, woman.”

I raised my arms in surrender. “Fine, I was just trying to save you from hardened arteries and a fat ass. Jeeze.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Sure you were. I’m onto you…just so you know.”

“Whatever, Cabbagehead,” I smiled a big, toothy grin.

“What?” he asked, chuckling.

“See, you eat a fuck ton of coleslaw,” He nodded, waving his hand for me to continue. “And coleslaw is made of cabbage. Since it’s said that you are what you eat, you my friend, are a Cabbagehead. End of story.” I punctuated the last word with a bite of my burger.

He threw his head back and laughed hard. “Swan, you are without a doubt…”

“Ahem,” James said, standing next to our table and interrupting Edward.

“What do you want?” I asked in a monotone voice. I wasn’t in the mood for James and his pity party.

“Well, looks like the two of you have gotten quite cozy. So, am I going to be an Auntie yet, or are we still pretending like you two aren’t the cutest couple ever?” James crossed his arms and stuck out his bottom lip.

“Fucking hell, James. Will you forget about this crazy plan you’ve come up with? Bella and I are just friends,” he said in an exasperated tone.

I reached across the table and grabbed Edward’s hand, having decided to fuck with James a bit.
“Aw, Love Muffin, don’t you think it’s time we let out our little secret? Or are you ashamed of me?” I said, trying to hold the laughter in.

“But..but…” Edward sputtered, looking back and forth between me and the diva.

I turned toward James, so I could see his face. “Well, it is pretty new. Last night, well, we just couldn’t hold back any longer.”

Edward shot me a panicked look that I caught out of the corner of my eye, making me kick his leg under the table. I gave him a look that said, “play along, dumbass.” He cleared his throat.
“Yeah,” he said with a smile.

“Actually, you’re interrupting the ‘morning after’ meal, so if you’ll excuse us…” I said, letting that statement trail off.

James let out a very unmanly squeal. I covered my ears, and Edward cringed. “Thank God. I thought I was going to have to lock you both in the cooler or something. Bella, I want details.”

“Of course. We’ll have coffee sometime next week, James. Now, go away so I can bask in my post-coital afterglow,” I said as a brush off.

Edward gazed at me with wide eyes—a blush covered his face and neck.

“Oh! Baby Cullen needs some clothes. She can’t come into this world without the proper outfit!” he exclaimed, causing the patrons in the diner to look at us. Edward sunk low in the booth and covered his face.

“I’m not pregnant, idiot,” I chastised in a monotone.

“You keep riding that fine soldier right there, and you will be.” James pointed at Edward with a smug expression.

“Get out of here before I stab you with my fork.” I held the utensil up.

“Okay, I’m going. Ugh. There are no good baby clothes stores in this town. Looks like I’m taking a road trip to Port Angeles. Maybe I can talk Emmy bear into going with me. Later, Indian Princess.” James waved and skipped out of the restaurant.

“You do that. Talk to you later,” I said to James retreating form.

I chanced a glance at Edward, and I didn’t know what to make of the look on his face. I wasn’t sure if he was embarrassed, pissed, or…turned on. That last one I wasn’t sure of, so I let it go.

“All right, give it to me. How pissed are you?” I asked, hoping I hadn’t taken things too far.

“I, uh…” he said as his voice cracked. He cleared his throat and rubbed his hand over his face. “I’m not mad, but why did you say you’d meet him for coffee? We, uh, didn’t do anything and uh…”

“Oh,” I said as I realized what he was getting at. “That’s no problem. I’ll just talk you up and make you the greatest lover ever. James will either be jealous or ecstatic. It’s hard to tell with him sometimes.”

“Why do you need to tell him anything?” he asked, whining.

“He’s not going to let it go until I do, so I might as well give it to him.”

“Yeah, um, you’re probably right.”

“Don’t worry. He should leave you alone for a while now. He’s going to be busy clothing our children,” I said with a laugh.

He chuckled and then had a serious expression on his face. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Yep.”

“Oh God,” he muttered, holding his head in his hands. “When he finds out you lied, he’s going to be unbearable.”

“I have a plan for that,” I leaned over and nudged him. “I think I’m going to buy him a doll for the clothes he’s going to purchase.”

He rolled his eyes. “And you think that will work?”

“I’ve got time. I’ll make it work.”

He shook his head, smiling. As I looked at him, I noticed that his lips pulled up more on one side than the other, making his grin crooked. Huh. I’d never realized that before, but I kind of liked it.

We finished lunch and parted ways. I decided to clean my apartment until it was time for work. While washing dishes, I thought back over lunch. I had been afraid I might have gone too far that afternoon. Yeah, we’d become friends, but everything was still new. I was worried I’d offended him, but he’d taken it like the trooper he was. A smile spread across my face as I decided that Edward was going to be my new partner in crime. It had been too long since Forks had seen a prank Swan-style. I could have used Emmett, but he had a tendency to worry about how Rose would take it. A small pang of sorrow settled in my gut. I missed my brother—he was always the best when it came to stuff like that. However, as I thought about it, Rusty had to be used to the shit Jake pulled. So I was sure he wouldn’t put up too much of a fight once I recruited him.

Work that night was fun. Dad had decided to join us as a customer. It was a slow night, so he spent most of the time talking to Edward. I didn’t mind, because it was nice to see my father bond with him. I knew that my dad had taken my brother’s death hard, even if he didn’t show it. I was certain Edward was fast becoming like a son to him.

Huh.

It seemed like Edward was filling the gap Jake had left with each of us. He’d formed a friendship with Emmett, Dad had taken a liking to him, he had made my mother want to smother him with love, and I, well, he’d grown on me. In a way, Edward had helped us heal by entering our lives, even when we hadn’t known we needed it.

James walked by me humming The Bridal Chorus with a smug expression plastered on his face. I elbowed him in the ribs as he passed, making him grunt.

“Papa Swan,” he said with a whine. “Tell Bella to quit hitting me.”

“Oh, good Lord.” Dad placed his head in his hands.

Edward chuckled, tossing a bar towel over his shoulder.

“Why did she hit you, James?” he asked, exasperation seeping into his tone.

“She is being difficult. Just because I think she and the stud pony here should get married, she thinks its okay to abuse me.” James placed a hand on his hip.

“What?” my father looked up.

“Now, you can’t tell me you don’t think they would be perfect together.” James pointing at us.
“Huh.” Charlie looked lost in thought.

I watched as my dad sat there, letting James’s words sink in. The moment I realized the light bulb had gone off, I groaned.

“Now, Bella, it wouldn’t be that bad, would it?” Charlie asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Oh God, not you too!” Edward ripped the towel off of his shoulder and threw it on the bar top.

“Are you saying my daughter isn’t attractive?” my dad asked in a no-nonsense tone.

“Well, sure, but…uh…well,” Edward stuttered, wringing his hands and refusing to make eye contact.

I clapped him on the back and turned to my father. “Leave the poor guy alone and quit trying to marry me off. I don’t need a husband or anyone else. I’m doing just fine on my own.”

“Sure you are,” Charlie said quietly, giving me a “you’re full of shit” look.

I ignored my father and went to the other end of the bar. As I was serving a customer, I noticed Edward standing slightly hunched over. Aw, goddamn it. I walked over to him once I was finished.

“It’s not that I hate you or anything,” I walked up behind him, and he jumped when I spoke. I waited until he turned and faced me.

“No, don’t worry about it. I get it.”

“I really don’t think you do, but that’s okay. I’m just not ready for anything like a relationship, and I hope I didn’t give you the wrong impression,” I said, hoping he’d get what I was trying to say, because I didn’t want him to leave. For the first time, I cared whether or not a guy in my life walked out on me that wasn’t family.

“You didn’t. Its fine.” he bumped my shoulder with his.

“I hope so, because I like having you around,” I said with a smile and a wink.

“Pretty firecracker is going to drive me insane,” I heard Edward mutter as I walked off.
I spun around when the words registered.

“What did you say?”

“What?” Edward said, red faced. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Yes you did. Let me jog your memory. Something about a pretty firecracker?” I raised an eyebrow, challenging him.

He closed his eyes and let out a small fuck. “Fine, you want to know? Well, if you can call me names in your head, then so can I.”

I sighed, really hating his little pet name for me. “Don’t call me that again, okay?”

“Firecracker,” Edward taunted, sticking out his tounge.

I smacked him in the arm. “Ass.”

Walking off, I heard him laughing at me. Oh God. He was going to tease me all the time with that stupid name, I just knew it.

“Hey, Edward,” I heard my dad call out.

“Yeah?” Edward turned toward my father.

“Sue wanted me to invite you to a barbecue tomorrow. You won’t be working, since we always close down that day anyway,” Charlie said, taking a drink.

“How come?” Edward asked.

“It’s our anniversary party. We always have the yahoos come over to celebrate.” Dad laughed at his own joke.

“Oh, I had no idea.” Rusty turned pink in embarrassment.

“Eh, it’s no big deal,” I said as I made my way back over. “Everyone in the family is invited and James, too.”

“Jerk,” James murmured with his eyes narrowed.

I laughed at his childish antics.

“I’ll have you know that your family loves me. Isn’t that right, Charlie poo?” James said, batting his eyelashes dramatically.

“Boy, what the hell is wrong with you? Did someone drop you on your head as a baby?” Charlie crossed his arms and leaned back.

Edward hunched over in hysterics as he listened. I let out a small giggle, watching Edward.
“No.” James moved closer to my father and put his arms on the bar. “I was a gorgeous baby, but that’s beside the point. Don’t you think Mama Swan would love it if these two gave her grandbabies? Poor woman was made to be a grandmother, and I know it would thrill her to see her baby girl settle down.”

“James, you drag queen reject, if you say a word to my mother, I will shave your head. Believe it.” I was going to teach James to shut his meddling mouth.

“I will help her break into your apartment.” Rusty said with a devious smile.

James stuck out his bottom lip in a pout. “Don’t either of you love me? It’s only a matter of time, since both of you are already…”

“Buzz buzz, motherfucker. Do not finish that sentence,” I said with malice.

Charlie sat in his chair, holding his laugh in. He was turning purple in his amusement.

“Oh, I can’t wait to tell the wife,” he said as he snorted.

“Come on, Dad, I thought I was your favorite?” I said, whining.

“Nope, no amount of guilt tripping is going to change my mind. I’m going to have loads of fun planting this seed in her head and watching her try to get you two together,” he shook his head and cackled. “Night, everyone.”

He got up from his stool and walked out. I looked over at Edward, who stood frozen in place.
“You might want to leave town…right now. Mom is a hundred times worse than James,” I whispered, watching my father leave.

“What about you?”

“I’ll be fine. She’ll eventually drive me to the nuthouse, and I’ll get to live the rest of my life in a padded cell. At least I’ll get away from him,” I murmured, jerking my thumb towards the Dead Man Walking.

~.~.~.~

James, Edward, and I arrived at my parents’ house together, which we decided after James threw a hissy fit when Edward and I had announced we were taking our own cars. James thought it would be better, since we were fucking, that we should go together. I was really starting to regret leading the Diva on, because it was coming back to bite me in the ass.

At one point, James had had the brilliant idea to chauffeur us in his car, leaving us to neck in the back, as he put it. Edward had played along until he’d realized that James drove a pink car. He’d told my annoying friend that there was no way in hell he would ride in a “goddamn car that looked like a cotton candy machine threw up on it.” When James had pushed the issue, Edward had threatened to go out and buy a hunting rifle that very second and shoot him in the ass. I’d pushed Edward toward his car and told him that we could all ride with him, making everyone happy. It had been surprising how quickly I’d gotten him to agree with me.

I thought Edward would burst a vessel by the time we reached my parents’ house. James, being his normal idiot self, kept leaning into the gap in the front seats to change the radio station. Each time his hand had touched the dial, Edward would smack it. I’d ended up taking control of the radio to keep the peace.

“I’m so glad you could come,” my mother greeted us as we reached the front door.

“Thanks, Mrs. Swan,” Edward said, smiling at her.

“It’s Sue, dear boy.” Mom patted his back.

“Yes, ma’am.” Edward hung his head and nodded.

“You, come here and give your old mother a hug,” she said, leaning into me. I mimicked her movements and hugged her. She smelled like home and love. When she released me, she turned to James.

“And you…Charlie tells me we have lots to discuss.” she pointed at James.

James had a wide smile on his face. “Oh, that we do, Mama Swan.”

“Ugh.” was my brilliant reply.

“Go check on your Uncle Harry. Last time I saw him, he was by the edge of the woods with his Fire Water. Please remind him he can’t turn into a wolf, and there are no vampires living in town.” My mother rubbed a hand over her face.

“Come on, Edward, we may have to take a hike in the woods,” I said as I pulled him with me.
“Wait, what is going on?” he said as he followed a few steps behind.

“Um, Uncle Harry is the Quileute Medicine Man and takes our legends a little too seriously.”

“What legends?”

“Jake never told you?”

“No.”

“Oh, well, maybe I’ll take you to a bonfire sometime in La Push. Apparently, our ancestors dipped into the magic mushrooms one too many times when they decided to record our history. I swear, they give Alice in Wonderland a run for its money in the crazy factor.” I was sure he thought I was kidding, but I wasn’t.

“Oh.” He looked up at me and frowned.

I laughed at the expression on his face. “And you thought the people in Forks were insane. Buddy, you haven’t seen anything yet.”

We reached the tree line where my mother had said Uncle Harry would be, but he wasn’t there. I started into the forest, hoping he hadn’t gotten too far. The year before, we’d had to track him all the way to the Sol Duc River before we found him. I was not looking forward to chasing his wrinkled, nutty ass all over Clallam County.

After a few minutes, I spotted my uncle on the forest floor, hunched down on his hands and knees. He was growling at a stump in front of him. For the millionth time, I wondered how he was my mother’s brother. She was so loving and put together, and he was just…out there. I shook my head and walked over toward him.

“Hey, Uncle Harry, what’cha doing?” I asked in a whisper.

“I found a vampire,” he refused to look away from the stump. “The blood sucker is going to die. That’ll teach him for coming onto our lands.”

I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“Uh, he’s gone. You scared him off,” I murmured, hoping he’d believe me. When he had these delusions that he’d caught a vampire, sometimes it took forever to convince him to leave.

He stood up and puffed out his chest. “He’s scared of the Quileute Protectors. That’s right, run you coward! I’ll find you again!”

Harry looked over and noticed Edward standing off to the side. “Who’s that?” he asked, sizing Edward up.

“Oh, he’s the new human in town,” I said matter of factly with a head shake.

“Nice to meet you, son. Did you know that this gives you immortality?” Harry asked, picking up a mug and handing it to Edward.

“Is that so?” Edward asked in a weary tone.

“It is,” Harry swayed on his feet. “Drink and live forever with the rest of the Quileute Nation.”

Edward tilted the mug and took a huge gulp. His eyes bugged out of his head when the Fire Water touched his taste buds. Swallowing quickly, he bent over and started to cough. I ran over and patted him on the back.

“Jesus, what the hell is in that?” He panted and sputtered.

“Rum, Vodka, and whatever else Harry can get his hands on.” I pursed my lips.

“You could have warned me,” he whispered, glaring up at me.

“And where would the fun in that have been?” I asked, shrugging. “Besides, if you’d have turned it down, you would have hurt poor Uncle Harry’s feelings.”

I batted my eyelashes innocently at him.

“You’re going to get me killed, firecracker. Afghanistan wasn’t as dangerous as Forks. Not by a long shot.” He stared down into the mug.

I rolled my eyes at him. “Just…hide that. Uncle Harry is blitzed, and if he can’t find it, he won’t drink anymore. I think my mother would love you forever if you prevented Uncle Harry from making a total ass out of himself at her twenty-seventh anniversary party.”

“Will do,” he said, hiding said mug behind his back and discreetly pouring the contents out.
“Come on, Uncle Harry,” I called out. “I think Emmett probably has the food ready by now. You have to be hungry.”

“Yeah, chasing vampires always makes me hungry,” he stated, walking back toward the party.
Edward let out a giggle, following behind him. I smacked him and walked with them. Leave it to my crazy uncle to make me chase his loony ass before eating.

When we got back, I took the mug from Edward and went into the house to hide it. I figured once it was out of sight, it was Mom and Dad’s problem. The hall closet seemed like the best place, so I went into the hallway and stashed it away.

I noticed Rosalie staring daggers at Edward as I walked toward the picnic tables. Rubbing the back of my neck, I decided to fix her view of Edward. We hadn’t had time to discuss my revelation about him since I’d told her I thought he was stalking me. Rosalie’s overbearing mother had been joining us on our shopping trips, driving both of us nuts. So, since she was standing alone, I figured it would be a good time to have that talk.

“Hey, gorgeous,” I said, bumping her hip.

“Shut up, Bella. I look like a toad.” She wrinkled her nose. I looked at her and didn’t see it. Sure, she still had the same too-large shirt and frumpy skirt that was a staple of her wardrobe, but she was still beautiful.

“Whatever. Listen, I need to talk to you.”

She turned and faced me fully. “Oh, what about?”

“Okay, um, I don’t know how to say this,” Her face dropped, and I knew she thought I was about to tell her off or something. I rubbed the back of my neck, wishing for the hundredth time that Rosalie would quit feeling so unsure of herself.

“No, look, I was wrong about Edward. He’s not that bad of a guy,” I said, rushing the words out.

“You said, though…”

“I know what I said,” I interrupted her. “I was wrong.”

“How did you figure that out?”

“He’s…uh…turns out he’s Rusty.”

She gasped and her hands flew up to her mouth, and shocked expression crossed her face. “You mean…I was…but.”

I waited for her to process the information.

“I was mean to Rusty? The guy that Jake said, in his letters, was his best friend in the Army and almost like a brother to him?”

“Yeah…um, sorry about that,” I said, wincing.

Tears sprang to her eyes. “He probably hates me now.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” I grabbed her arm. “He just doesn’t know you. Come on.”

I pulled her over to where Edward was sitting with Emmett. She stumbled behind me. Both men were laughing but stopped when they saw us standing beside the table. Edward looked at me with curiosity, and I widened my eyes, nodding toward Rose. He didn’t get it and continued to look at me like I was nuts.

“I’m so sorry,” Rosalie rushed out with a red face. “I had no idea. When Bella told me you were stalking her, well, I’m protective of her. She’s the only girl that’s ever been nice to me without making fun of me behind my back. Being a klutz and all, people tend to think I’m a joke.”

“Aw, baby, you’re not a joke,” Emmett said, standing up and wrapping her in his arms.

“Uh, I’m sorry, too. I just thought you hated me.” Edward smiled at her.

“No, I don’t hate anyone. I feel so bad. Bella told me who you are, and I just wanted to say how much I appreciate what you’ve done. When Bella would get a letter, she’d read them to me, and I knew I had to help. So, I helped her bake. I probably made more of a mess with my clumsiness than anything else, but it made me feel like I was doing something,” she said, rushing the words out.

“Wait, you’re the clumsy friend of Bella’s!” he pointed, his eyes widening. “The stories Jake read about you in Bella’s letters really brought a bright spot to a lot of soldiers’ days. Hell, most of us were in awe that you were willing to share that with us. Thank you, Rose.”

He stood up and extended his hand. Rosalie pulled away from Emmett, and with a blush on her face, shook his hand. A small smile spread across both their faces.

“Friends?” Edward asked with a hopeful expression on his face.

“Sure, any friend that was Jake’s is a friend of mine,” she said with a nod.

“That’s my girl,” Emmett said, squeezing her shoulder. The couple left us standing there, walking toward a table off to the side piled with food.

“So, I’m stalking you?” Edward tilted his head and grinned.

“Knock it off. I thought you were when you first came here. How was I supposed to know who you really were?” I rolled my eyes.

“Touché,” he said, walking beside me. “If I was going to stalk you, though, I would have done a better job. Especially since I have military training.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” I said, waving him off. “Let’s go eat.”

Once we loaded our plates, Edward and I ended up sitting together. I watched the rest of my family as I ate, noticing the happy couples surrounding me. God, I really hated my pathetic ass. Leave it to me to find the most worthless guy on the planet and let him push me until I lost all faith in men. If I wasn’t such a chicken shit, I’d get back out there and start dating again. Truth be told, what I had told my father was beginning to be a lie. Before, I had been happy to be alone. Something had changed in me, though, and I wanted what everyone else seemed to have. Someone to love that loved me back. I sighed, knowing that it would never happen.

Uncle Harry picked that moment to stand in front of my parents and regale them with the story of how he had scared the vampire away that afternoon. My father kept banging his head on the picnic table repeatedly, and my mother humored him with some well placed ohs and ahs. Again, I wondered how he was related to us.

“Hey, Charlie,” Edward called out. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“God, yes!” my father yelled, standing up quickly and practically running toward us. He sat down next to me and leaned over toward Edward.

“Thank you, son, for saving me from my loony brother-in-law. I swear… he’s like James, only with twenty more years to work on his crazy. If I thought I could get away with it, I would have shot him and buried him in the woods by now.” Dad gave Edward a stern look.

I hit my father on the forearm. “You better knock it off, old man. Mom hears you talking like that, and you’ll be the one shot and buried in the woods.”

“Who’s going to be shot and buried?” Mom asked as she sat next to Edward.

“No one, dear. I love you,” Charlie said, trying to distract her.

“Aw, I love you, too,” Sue said, placing her head on his shoulder.

Edward was shaking as he held in his laugh. Charlie noticed and shot him a look that said, “Do it and it’ll be you, boy.” Edward composed himself quickly.

“Mama Swan…Mama Swan!” James yelled, running toward us. He was carrying a bright purple suitcase.

“How in the hell did he sneak that girly shit in my car?” Edward asked, eyeing the case.

“Oh hush, Candy Pants. I put it in the back when you weren’t looking,” he said, turning toward my mother. “Anyway, I have some things I know you are going to die over.”

He set the case down with a flourish. Rosalie and Emmett had joined us and sat next to Edward and I. Everyone watched as James opened it, pulling out a bunch of tiny girl clothes.

“Oh, how precious!” Sue leaned over to get a better look.

I groaned with my head in my hands. “Don’t get any ideas, Mother.”

“Really, how bad would it be, Bella? Edward is a lovely man, and James is right; your children would be angels,” she said, shaking her head at me.

Edward followed Dad’s example, banging his head on the table.

“Stop that,” my mother chastised, placing her hand on his forehead and pushing it backward. He stopped hitting his head and looked over at her. “You don’t want to have a head injury, do you?”
He shook his head and sat back up.

“Now, Bella, really…not every man is garbage like…”

“I get it, and I know,” I said with tears in my eyes. She was hitting a nerve, and her prodding wasn’t helping me. Mom got up and came around the table. Rosalie stood and took her seat next to Edward, letting my mother sit next to me. She cradled my head against her until I got control of myself.

“Did I ever tell you how I met Charlie?” she asked, making eye contact with the group.

“Oh, Mama Swan, you have to tell us,” James said in a dreamy tone.

“There’s something I’d like to tell your fruity ass,” Dad said in a soft tone, glaring at James.
“Hush, Charlie,” Mom gave narrowed her eyes.

I chuckled at their display.

“Now, as I was saying, I’ve known Charlie most of my life. When we were kids, we all went to school here in Forks. Back then, the reservation didn’t have its own school, so we learned alongside the pale faces,” she said with a chuckle.

“For the longest time, I hated him. He used to chase me around the playground and pull my hair, making me cry.”

Everyone laughed at her words.

“When we finally got to high school, my impression of him hadn’t changed. Instead of being an ass to me, he ignored me. Charlie was Mr. Popular Football Player, and I was in the drama club. We didn’t run in the same circles, but both of our groups would get a dig in at the other’s expense when we could.”

I looked up as Mom was still cradling my head and noticed that every person sitting with us was engrossed in her story.

“After we graduated, I went off to college, and Charlie joined the Army. I didn’t see him again until he was discharged, and I had finished my degree. The summer before I was going to move to New York to start my life, I ran into him again at the old diner. We ended up talking, and by the end of the night, I’d agreed to go on a date. By the time the summer was almost through, we were in love. I decided I was going to stay, and the rest is history.”

Dad laughed and turned toward Mom. “Do you remember that old Nova I had?”

“Yes,” Mom said, giggling. “I loved that car.”

“I know. What I always wondered, though, did you love it because it was the first car we had? Or was it because Jake was conceived in it, forcing us to marry so soon?”

“Ew,” I said, pushing away from Mom and standing up. She scooted over to my father, and they met in a heated kiss. Having seen enough of my parents making out to last me a lifetime, I walked off.

I ended up at the back stoop, so I sat down and pulled my knees up to my chest.
“You okay?” Edward asked, standing over me.

I looked up at him. “I’m all right. Mom just knows how to push my buttons, that’s all.”
Edward sat down next to me on the step. “Well, If you…”

“I will,” I interrupted him with a smile. “But this is something I need to deal with on my own. Thanks, though.”

He nodded and turned back toward the party.

“Tell me they aren’t the cutest thing you have ever seen,” I heard James say.
Edward groaned and looked up at the sky.

“I have to apologize to you,” I said, tapping his forearm. He stared at me with questions in his eyes. “I’m beginning to think messing with James wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had.”

“You think?” Edward asked with a chuckle.

“Shut up. Jake was always the idea man—I just implemented the pranks.”

“Ah, I see. The two of you together must have been a nightmare, then. I remember some of the pranks he pulled in basic. He’s lucky they didn’t kick him out.”

“Yeah, that was my brother,” I said with a sigh. “Always pushing the envelope.”
“Would you just kiss her already?” James asked, right by my ear.

“Fuck, James. Don’t you remember our talk about personal space?” I asked, growling out the words. “This is my dance space—that is your dance space. I don’t go into yours, and you don’t go into mine.” I made sure to indicate each with a wave of my hand.

“Yeah, and don’t put Baby in a corner and all that jazz. I got it,” James said with an eye roll, taking a step back. “Is this better, Lady of the Dance?”

“He gives out crazy nicknames, too?” Edward turned his head toward me. “I thought I was the only one.”

“Oh no, James here has a knack for finding a name that will drive you nuts.” I eyed my so-called friend.

“I’m sorry, Bugaboo. I know you thought you were special, but I love her, too. You do know you have to take me on your honeymoon, right? I couldn’t stand being away from my favorite two people for any amount of time,” James said, leaning on the rail.

“If, and this is a big if, I have a honeymoon, you will not be going,” I said, exasperated.
“You wound me, Indian Princess,” James said with a pout.

“So, are you going to stop buying baby clothes? You do realize it’s a waste of money?” Edward crossed his arms.

“Aw, are you jealous, sugar booger? I can take you shopping, too. We could have loads of fun. I’ll even help you in the dressing room.” James offered in an eager tone.

“I can dress myself, weirdo. Besides, I don’t need any clothes.” Edward glared at James.

“Your turn of the decade wardrobe says differently,” James sang with a smile.

Edward huffed and frowned.

“We can even bring Bella along. She can be the one to help you in the dressing room,” James said. “Oh, and she can take measurements for me, too. That way I’ll know just how big that cock of yours is.” James shifted his stance.

“That’s it. I’m counting to three, and then I’m going to kill you.” Edward slid to the edge of the step.

James let out a girly scream and took off running. He waved his hands in front of him as he tried to put as much space between himself and Edward as possible.

“One,” Edward murmured, watching James.

“Edward, maybe you should…” I started to say.

He held up his hand, cutting me off. “Two.”

“Edward!” I yelled, tugging on his sleeve. “Don’t hurt him! He’s my friend, and I know he’s a giant pain in the ass…”

He shook his head. “I promise, I’m not really going to kill him, but I am going to teach him a lesson. Three,” Edward said, shooting up and running off toward James.

James caught sight of Edward and screamed again. The rest of the partygoers were laughing as they watched Edward chase James around the yard. I couldn’t help but giggle when Edward finally caught up to him.

I watched as Edward picked up a clump of dirt and rubbed it all over James’s face, hair, and clothes. James begged him to stop trying to ruin his fabulousness, but Edward kept going. When he was finally satisfied, he released James. James ran over to me, scowling.

“Just for that, I’m painting his door pink,” James said with a huff, walking into my parents’ house.

Everyone burst out laughing when James made his comment. Well, everyone except Edward. He had a horrified look on his face.